Inside The Queen's Head

Lyrics by Cornelius Booth

Here we all are down 'The Queen's 'Ead',
(Best rub-a-dub in all the south it's said).
Proppin' up the bar, (couldn't stay in bed,
They put the old crown on the young queen's 'ead).

Fred's brother Jack, Fanny, Flo and Sue,
Singin' round the piano since 'alf past two.
Little Billy Black an' 'is new missus, Prudence,
Wavin' a banner (RED, WHITE AND BLUE).

Look at old Ralph, nancy bow tie,
Moppin' up the gravy from 'is 'ot meat pie.
No sign of Alf, (don't ask why,
'Ow's yer father? Alright?)

My Old Dutch, sweet as any flower,
Says, "I want to see you back home in 'alf an 'our!"
Don't ask much an', if it's in me power,
I try an' keep 'er sweet (she can get quite sour).

In walks Sid, lookin' right flash,
(Brand new whistle an' a little spivvy 'tache).
Spendin' quids like it's goin' out o' fashion.
"Drinks all round for 'The Queen's 'Ead' bash!"

Shandy for me Nan, and two large ports.
Four mild and bitter with whiskey shorts.
Eight black and tan. Blimey, what a night!
Here's to 'The Queen's 'Ead',
Cheers to 'The Queen's 'Ead'.

Polished off the gin; started on the rum.
Can't 'old a candle to me dear old mum!
See granny grin! Bangin' on a drum,
Came down wallop on 'er kingdom come!

Ev'rybody laughed! Seein' 'er surprise
Brought a little tear to the old mince pies.
Looked so daft strugglin' to rise.
(If she ever played the 'Alls she'd win first prize!)

'Ere Doris comes In a right two-an'-eight.
(Bovver wiv a bobby wot 'ad made 'er late!)
Flashin' 'er gums. Lookin' for a fight.
Keep it in the fam'ly, Alright?

'Ow time flies when you're 'avin' fun!
Rollin' out the barrel in the evenin' sun.
Not very wise when all's said an' done.
(In for an ear-bend even if I run).

Oh, never mind! Have another stout.
People gettin' thirsty an' it's still my shout.
(I'm not the kind to leave me chinas out).
She'll just 'ave to lump it, the silly old trout.

She was quite a catch well before the War.
(Now the spitting image of the mother-in-law!)
Down the 'atch. Flying like a kite.
'Ere's to 'The Queen's 'Ead'!
Cheers to 'The Queen's 'Ead'!

(Instrumental interlude)

"Time. Gents, please!" 'Arry rang the bell
Just as I was chatting with a gel called Nell.
(Birds and bees.) Doin' quite well.
Waited for an answer but she wouldn't tell.

Went to sit down, didn't 'ave a care.
Burst out laughin' when I missed the chair.
Felt such a clown lookin' up from where
I'd landed on me aris with me pins in the air!

Twelve pints sunk. Got up off the floor.
Tried to stagger home but I couldn't find the door.
Elephant's trunk. Not a pretty sight,
Thanks to 'The Queen's 'Ead'. Too right!

"Time. Please, gents! Finish up your beer!
Time to toddle off, 'cos you can't stay here!
Don't take offence. Give yourselves a cheer.
Best bloomin' knees-up we've had all year!"

Stumblin' back. Plates like lead.
Got the wibbly wobblies in me loaf of bread.
Struggle up the Jack with a very 'eavy tread.
(With a little bit o' luck the trouble's in bed).

Left me a note. Didn't make me laugh.
"Your Tommy's in the dog an' you're sleepin' in the bath!"
Grabbed my coat. Set off down the path.
Knocked at 'The Queen's 'Ead'.
("Let us in guv,
Let us in 'The Queen's 'Ead').
(Can't 'ear you.)
Gawd, bless 'The Queen's 'Ead'.
Outside 'The Queen's 'Ead'
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